idk

In the darkness I am alone, no candle to light, no bird to sing. sitting in my own self pity, jealous of those with the one thing i don't have. every where i look its like a reminder. "look what i got! nanana" o how nice of you to throw it in my face.

Just yesterday it seems as if my emotions were under raps but clearly they are not & I have no clue how to express myself to anyone at this point but i'm gonna try i guess. so here goes

Lost with no direction of home
can't find that big North star
tripping over logs
stumbling into puddles of feces
filth filled air
drives me into my shell
closed up like a clam
surfacing to dry land
picked at by a seagull
as i slide down into its stomach
here i am in dark
only to be shitted on again
lost with no direction of home
no familiar landmark or face
no signal on my cellphone
no street lights on
i guess its just me and the darkness
alone tonight.
staring into each others eyes
trying to build up courage
but too afraid to fight
a battle shall not be started
rather fear shall be overcome
i lost to you once
so it can't happen again.

Empty Frames

lookin thru empty frames
barely able to see
squinting my eyes, falling in holes, tripping on sidewalks
seems as if my world around me
sees no rain but
lookin thru empty frames
everything is a blur
i've been walking blind-sighted
through a world of pain & misery
when will the sun shine
when will i see clearly?
when will the world change?
or is it that the world is looking thu empty frames
& the images i see are distorted
these empty frames are playing games
falsifying the truth
covering up what the truth is
or was at one point
lookin thru empty frames
has me seeing thru the light
see what is in front of me
learning to walk among the blind
yet aware of my surroundings
in time these empty frames i wear
will soon be gone
& the truth shall prevail...

just some thoughts

sometimes i feel like i have things under control. all my variables are in place & there are no sudden change but lately, one would think, especially me, that there is a defective variable somewhere in my experiment of life. its seems as if all my pieces are slowly starting to tumble, like dominos after you put all the pieces in place just to knock them over.
wouldn't life be grand if you knew the outcome of something without adding and subtracting variables to every situation? wouldn't it be great if we didn't judge people by their persona, because all that really is, is a mask that we want people to see until we get to know them. the world is a funny place and we as humans are also funny. it makes me wonder if our lives were TV show's how many of us would get canceled? & what would make our lives get canceled from these reality shows that we create?
i also wonder what it would be like if say i was a Kardashian. i didn't know who they were until their show but apparently they've been around for quite some years. what is it like to become a somebody when you were just a nobody? weird? entertaining? everything i could expect? or does that also play into i need & have to have attention here & now because it helps me gain a sense of who i am?
I just started my psych of personality class & not only does it make you think about yourself but it makes you think about why we see people the way we do. they can be totally different from what we see. but we're so quick to judge. and not one person can say they don't judge because we all do. when we're looking at a person &sizing them up, we're judging, when we start conversing with them & don't like the way they talk, guess what? we're passing judgment! interesting right? i think so.
i guess the purpose of this blog was to get things off my chest but it went in a different direction & i like it. giving insight where most don't find it is great. if you never read about Freud, Watson, Wundt, i guess you would never understand my direction. but we learn something new everyday or so we've been told. & with that i leave you to wonder about if we didn't judge, do you think society we have so many standards, classes, & categories to put us into? I don't but then again it would be a completely different world than it is today....

To my best friend

i'm her boosauce
she's my "crack"-babe
together we're unstoppable
Bonnie & Clyde
she's my ride or die
w/o her i'm lifeless
like a fish out of water
funny but sad
how or why we're friends
is a mystery to us both
we're each others addiction
& w/o my daily fix
i'm like a suboxone patient
barely able to function
& having violent episodes
i break her off a piece of
the ba-nan-nan
when i can
& she literally kills me
with her words
she's my home skillet dog biscuit
mi vida
my spanglish speaking amiga
my lovebug aka she wishes she was dark
like Wesley snipes.

haha... luv ya pumpkin butt

Crawl Space

closed out from the world
trapped behind this door
no sign of light
no birds chirp
no childhood memories
to play on rewind
no friends to talk to
walking among the invisible
dark, cold & damp
my life is a crawl space
no way in & no way out

colors of skin

white, beige, brown
yellow
just another category
to separate the
human race
society has its loop holes
and yet we fall thru
every last one of them
gay, straight, transgender,
bi
can we just be defined
by what we are first
and not our sub-categories
i am human
i see no color, orientation,
or handicap
and i refuse to live in a
society where if my skin
isn't golden brown like toast
nobody can see me
white, beige, brown, yellow
i am human and don't live
according to the colors of the skin

Time Lost

time flies by

as we stand alone
wondering where it went
& how to get it back
like a lemur who lost its
child& tries to steal another's
as people we seem to
always take time for granted
letting small details
tick away with seconds
just to lose more time
we kept stashed away
in our little goodie bags
as time flies by
we lose ourselves in each
second & minute