idk

In the darkness I am alone, no candle to light, no bird to sing. sitting in my own self pity, jealous of those with the one thing i don't have. every where i look its like a reminder. "look what i got! nanana" o how nice of you to throw it in my face.

Just yesterday it seems as if my emotions were under raps but clearly they are not & I have no clue how to express myself to anyone at this point but i'm gonna try i guess. so here goes

Lost with no direction of home
can't find that big North star
tripping over logs
stumbling into puddles of feces
filth filled air
drives me into my shell
closed up like a clam
surfacing to dry land
picked at by a seagull
as i slide down into its stomach
here i am in dark
only to be shitted on again
lost with no direction of home
no familiar landmark or face
no signal on my cellphone
no street lights on
i guess its just me and the darkness
alone tonight.
staring into each others eyes
trying to build up courage
but too afraid to fight
a battle shall not be started
rather fear shall be overcome
i lost to you once
so it can't happen again.

Empty Frames

lookin thru empty frames
barely able to see
squinting my eyes, falling in holes, tripping on sidewalks
seems as if my world around me
sees no rain but
lookin thru empty frames
everything is a blur
i've been walking blind-sighted
through a world of pain & misery
when will the sun shine
when will i see clearly?
when will the world change?
or is it that the world is looking thu empty frames
& the images i see are distorted
these empty frames are playing games
falsifying the truth
covering up what the truth is
or was at one point
lookin thru empty frames
has me seeing thru the light
see what is in front of me
learning to walk among the blind
yet aware of my surroundings
in time these empty frames i wear
will soon be gone
& the truth shall prevail...

just some thoughts

sometimes i feel like i have things under control. all my variables are in place & there are no sudden change but lately, one would think, especially me, that there is a defective variable somewhere in my experiment of life. its seems as if all my pieces are slowly starting to tumble, like dominos after you put all the pieces in place just to knock them over.
wouldn't life be grand if you knew the outcome of something without adding and subtracting variables to every situation? wouldn't it be great if we didn't judge people by their persona, because all that really is, is a mask that we want people to see until we get to know them. the world is a funny place and we as humans are also funny. it makes me wonder if our lives were TV show's how many of us would get canceled? & what would make our lives get canceled from these reality shows that we create?
i also wonder what it would be like if say i was a Kardashian. i didn't know who they were until their show but apparently they've been around for quite some years. what is it like to become a somebody when you were just a nobody? weird? entertaining? everything i could expect? or does that also play into i need & have to have attention here & now because it helps me gain a sense of who i am?
I just started my psych of personality class & not only does it make you think about yourself but it makes you think about why we see people the way we do. they can be totally different from what we see. but we're so quick to judge. and not one person can say they don't judge because we all do. when we're looking at a person &sizing them up, we're judging, when we start conversing with them & don't like the way they talk, guess what? we're passing judgment! interesting right? i think so.
i guess the purpose of this blog was to get things off my chest but it went in a different direction & i like it. giving insight where most don't find it is great. if you never read about Freud, Watson, Wundt, i guess you would never understand my direction. but we learn something new everyday or so we've been told. & with that i leave you to wonder about if we didn't judge, do you think society we have so many standards, classes, & categories to put us into? I don't but then again it would be a completely different world than it is today....

To my best friend

i'm her boosauce
she's my "crack"-babe
together we're unstoppable
Bonnie & Clyde
she's my ride or die
w/o her i'm lifeless
like a fish out of water
funny but sad
how or why we're friends
is a mystery to us both
we're each others addiction
& w/o my daily fix
i'm like a suboxone patient
barely able to function
& having violent episodes
i break her off a piece of
the ba-nan-nan
when i can
& she literally kills me
with her words
she's my home skillet dog biscuit
mi vida
my spanglish speaking amiga
my lovebug aka she wishes she was dark
like Wesley snipes.

haha... luv ya pumpkin butt

Crawl Space

closed out from the world
trapped behind this door
no sign of light
no birds chirp
no childhood memories
to play on rewind
no friends to talk to
walking among the invisible
dark, cold & damp
my life is a crawl space
no way in & no way out

colors of skin

white, beige, brown
yellow
just another category
to separate the
human race
society has its loop holes
and yet we fall thru
every last one of them
gay, straight, transgender,
bi
can we just be defined
by what we are first
and not our sub-categories
i am human
i see no color, orientation,
or handicap
and i refuse to live in a
society where if my skin
isn't golden brown like toast
nobody can see me
white, beige, brown, yellow
i am human and don't live
according to the colors of the skin

Time Lost

time flies by

as we stand alone
wondering where it went
& how to get it back
like a lemur who lost its
child& tries to steal another's
as people we seem to
always take time for granted
letting small details
tick away with seconds
just to lose more time
we kept stashed away
in our little goodie bags
as time flies by
we lose ourselves in each
second & minute

he's swam though
rivers of my emotions
climbed mountains of my wont's & cant's
& yet has remained by my side
crossed lakes & oceans of my hurt
to build a bridge to my most
vulnerable organ; my heart
just for him to cross
trying to mend wounds not yet
closed, that still bleed from
time to time
wanting to doctor my feelings
to prevent my heart
from crying anymore

Fading love

to hold on
& fight
seemed worth
all the pain
but lately
this fading love
seems to be chipping away
like corroded cement
our love is becoming
a sun-bleached picture,
a vague memory
of what was good
once upon a time

rico suave

he lurks in the darkness
of my mind
he lives in my every fantasy
knocks on every window
& door
begging to be let in
he knows the right things to say
to get his way
reminds me of those wild,
passionate nights
where my dreams carried
me with the wind
& dropped me in the lap
of this dark mysterious man
with good looks& moussed back hair
he's my Ricky Ricardo & i'm his Lucy
& whenever my thoughts don't
pay him a visit
i have some 'splanin to do
Rico Suave
the man my mind
always runs back to
when i've been hurt

Lost hurt little girl
afraid to grow up
to live, to love, to laugh,
to take pride in who she is
afraid to be loved
like she deserves
scarred by her past
feeling as though she's
loved for all the wrong reasons
a gray cloud rains
on her daily
the memories that take her
dark places
that remind her that
she's unable to love
to live, to laugh
without holding on to who she is
& not being able to find herself
in present day

its him

its his hand
that breaks the day
his heart
that wakes the home
his soul
that speaks all languages
his mind
that says all i'm thinking

its him
where i find my refuge
my peace of sanity

use your imagination
let it guide your fingertips
as they walk across my body
taking detours at my most
sensitive spots
divulge me in such ecstasy
as my body moans & twitches
& cries out for attention
only you can give it
laying side by side
i fit to you like a missing
puzzle piece
mentally & physically
i melt in your eyes
get moist from your touches & kisses
i'm hypnotized by everything that is you
i fall victim to your games
& sweet talk
if i'm guilty of anything
it's because i'm lost in
everything you are

what i want

crying out for your touch
to feel loved or even as if
your heart is where i belong
to feel complete in your arms
to forget how hurt i am
to be lost in everything you are
that's what i want
& i got to have it
to melt from the touch of your lips
pressed against mine
to swim around in your mind
& get lost in every thought you have
i want your voice to be my guide
&help me find my way back to you
that's what i want
& i got to have it
to have all your love rain down on me
to let your passion lotion my body
to let every word you say to me
seep into every pore
i want to be one with you
mind, body & soul
that's what i want
& i got to have it

Ratchet Bitch

stereotypically ghetto
tight clothes
hoodrat swag
grew up in a so called "hood"
befriended the wrong crowd
believed to be a boss
with no job
& 3 different
baby daddies
yous a ratchet bitch

on welfare to support
a habit & maybe your kids
got a thug in your life
who can't trust you as far
as he can throw you
don't you think its time to
wake up ratchet bitch
get your shit together
do right by your kids
when will your ratchet ass get it?

i doubt this will help

but lately i've been feeling like no matter what i do or how i feel, people could give two shits about it. like i'm not depressed but i feel alone even though i'm surrounded by people. i feel every artistic person at some point in time feels this way. but what can i say this feeling comes back time and time again....no amount of writing or crying makes it go away... and that upsets me more. i hate that my body is this ship of anger. if u cross me, its likely that if u try and bring me down, i'll bring u down before u can dent my ship. i harbor all these feelings until they become too much to bare but i can't talk to anybody, because nobody really understands why i feel how i do. and its 10x more difficult to try and explain it. idk but i was right, writing about how i feel right now isn't helping at all. *sigh

breathe you in

just for a moment
to get the sweet scent
of you
to breathe you in
as if it was my dying wish
i just want to
breathe you in
cuz then i'd carry
u around forever

lately i feel like i'm ready to start living like an adult. no more being at home and still mooching off my parents. just on my own. and i feel it's just because the closer it get to May 5th the closer i am to my degree. i want to make a living outside of where i live and where i work. i want ti make something out of life and out of who i am. but i just don't know if i can. so my doubts make me wonder if i can even afford to live on my own w/out needing mommy and daddy's help. or if i'm even ready to do it. but i know i don't want to be 28 and still living at home. i guess i have alot to think about. but i'm not so sure i'm want to. i know what i want outta life but right now it seems unobtainable. is this how life is and always will be? it just seems so hard to do things when life is so easy but in actuality its meant to be hard. i just don't get it, do you?
or maybe i'm just not ready to live on my own.i really don't know. i feel like my life is an episode of lost without having other people on the island with me. or maybe it's a dumb soap opera. who knows?

BODY ART

take your brush
and dip it in colors
that make me
a little blue, maybe
some orange
mix in some bright red
and lay your brush
upon my canvas
what do you see,
as you start to paint me?
is my smile the color of red?
does it make you see
the beauty within?
are my eyes the color of the sea?
blue and calming
like a serene feeling
do they take your breath away
with the rise of the sun?
dabble a little green on me
tell me what it means...
mix the colors red and blue
does it convey my mood?
or does it lead you to
my definition?
take your brush
and clean it off
dip it in yellow
does it speak to you the way i do?
now smear some water across me
am i still as clear to you?
am i the body art
you dreamt of?

My cupcakes of joy

its funny how ppl seem to care more about a person when they get hurt...
i have this friend and we barely talk to each other but it's not that we just don't straiht up not talk to one another. she has two jobs an i go to school and work, so we talk when we can. Friday morning she got in an accident that put her in the hospital. i found out yesterday at work she was in the hospital and i cried. i couldn't remember the last time we talked and it ade me even more scared. so i called her phone even though i know she couldn't answer i left a msg letting her know i loved her and that she was going to get better. i even texted her. i needed her to know that no matter wht i loved her. and its sad that it took her getting hurt for me to send her that msg. but i've been keepin some of our mutual friends updated about her and some seem to not care as much. i think that's funny that they call u concerned and the minute u find something out and call to them it seems as if they don't care. almost as if they had too much on their mind to be conerned about her anymore...

what i've been through and experienced this past wk has made me realize that the people i call friends are more important to me than i thought. i'm their rock as well as most of them being mine. like i said in my first blog, my friends are my cupcakes of joy= )

the world we live in

what is this world we live in?
i often ask myself
is this way God planned for us to live?
we go from livin peacefully
to shootin to kill niggas
is the legacy of the human race?
or are these just simple test of faith?
damn...
it seems as if no one is safe
the world has turned into a jungle
its every man for themselves
but i pray one day
this will al change
and harmony will be restored
this is the world we live in...........i guess

untitled

so yesterday (3/31/09)i was on my way to school. walked out my house and everything was fine. waiting for the bus was kinda boring. but i ignored the usual crazy people who walk by and try and speak to me.... as soon as the bus came, as sat and got my book out to read i heard a loud bang and as i looked out the window, i saw a lil boy fly through the air, and the back of the bus was loud with scream and people crying. i immediately got off the bus once i saw the lil boy land. and as cars cleared the street, and i saw what was left, i couldn't find it in me to cross the street and help at all. i broke down and started cryin. i didn't know what else to do but call my mom and she came and got me.
I've never in my life witnessed one car hit 4 people. i stood there while the kids and the mother lay there helplessly,because i was afraid for them. i was too scared to cross the street. and i keep saying i should've helped, i could've helped. i cpr/first aid qualified and i froze. so my mom took me home and my uncle stayed with me until my sister and my mom's boyfriend came home. and of course my biffle was there for me even though she was in another state. everybody kept tellin me how not to get emotionally stressed over people i don't know but i see it like this, it happened before my eyes. right in front of me. i saw everything happen, from the time the lil boy got hit until they were put in ambulances and hauled off to Brockton hospital. my uncle watched soap operas with me and fell asleep a good 15-20 mins before Opera came on, but he was my rock for those couple of hours nobody was home with me. i called my boyfriend and he came and spent some time with me after his classes.
but even with everyone being there for me and trying to make me feel better, i still feel like i coulda done something. the 5 o'clock news came on and it was the first thing on it. the lil boy died and his sister has a broken hip and leg, his brother has a broken leg as well as his mother. after watching this on the news i felt worse. and i think i felt this way because even though i was scared i was propbably one of the other people who was qualified to deal with things like that. i didn't sleep to well and i can barely eat but its just really sad because a lil boy lost his life and i didnt do anything. i know it's not my fault because i wasn't behind the wheel but i feel guilty for freezing up. i kno that eventually i'll move pass this but it'll be awhile before it happens.

BE FAT!!!! eat a CUPCAKE

hmm...how should i start my very first blog.... i love cupcakes and no one can ever replace them... the kind with lots of chocolate frosting or the confetti kind. its delicioso man!!! my bffs remind me of cupcakes cuz it gets no better than them...they really help me thru alot and i dnt think they know just how much i appreciate everything they do for me (even thought they may be thousands of miles away at the moment) it still counts. without them i'd be locked up or in the crazy house for pleading insanity. just ask them i'm close enough to it. lmao. they are the only people crazy enough to deal with my craziness. these r the best cpl of biotches i've ever laid eyes on. they complete me in ways no normal person could. lmfao....they're my cupcakes of joy!!!